Ok, pretty simple, come up with your funniest d&d or other rpg stories real or unreal and we can all have a good time...GO.

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You cant tell me what to do your a dog, you dont have a soul.

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No. What you have are bullets and the hope that when your guns are empty I'm no longer standing, because if I am, you'll all be dead before you've reloaded.

    Ok, a few years ago, I was playing a min-maxed Half-Orc monk named Orwig in a heavily anime influenced game.  (The only reason I min-maxed was I knew the DM was running a higher power game, and it had been awhile since I had played a rough and tumble butt whooper.)  Also, the DM had downloaded a DM's Wrath List, and was actually using it.  Anywho, we were in one of the main cities in the DM's custom world, and it was festival time.  During the festival, they were holding an unarmed tournement and an unarmed tournement.  After Orwig cleaned up in the unarmed tourny, he decided to try his hand in the armed tourny.  After beating the bejesus out of everyone he encountered (despite the fact that one of them was in armor and wielding a great axe) he got to the final round.  As a safety measure to stop me from winning, the DM had put in an NPC that was a solid 6 lvls higher then my character.  After a VERY bloody fight, the NPC walked out victorious, but he knew he had been in a fight.

That is NOT the story, it is just background so that you understand the campaign and the character involved. 

     About five weeks into the campaign, the DM was refusing to wrath my character, no matter what I did, because he was affraid I would turn any wrath around to my advantage.  I started pestering the DM, basically calling him out for never wrathing me for the disruptive things I had done in the game.  Finally, the DM snapped, and double wrathed Orwig.  He rolls twice on the chart, chuckles as he gets his result, and suddenly Orwig, who only spoke in broken commen (Int score of 6) wakes up as a female elf.  So, my character tailors his clothes (yes, my monk knew tailoring) so that they remotely fit, and goes to explain the situation to the parties wizard.  After the wizard laughs histarically for about half an hour, he decides that it would be best that the rest of the party not know what happened.  Orwig, not being incredibally bright, agreed to this, let the wizard come up with a new name for "her" and explain to the rest of the Party that Orwig had been called back to his monistary and that Lucca would be assisting them until Orwig could return.  Now, while Orwig wasn't very smart, he was wise, and soon realized that this was a bad idea, but couldn't back out of it, so had to do his best to play the part. 

     After that session, the DM gets to thinking, and decides that there has to be a reason that Orwig suddenly changed like that.  So we sat down and concocted the greatest magical multiple personality disorder EVER.  The next session, after narrowly surviving a Tsunami, Lucca is sitting under a tree, and a turtle falls out of the tree and conks her on the head.  When she comes to, the character is now ACTUALLY a female elf WIZARD  named Lucca, reincarnated after dying in a war centuries earlier.  Confused by her surroundings (She had no memory of what her host body had been up to), the party eventually calms her down, but are secretly convinced that Orwig is just playing a joke on them.  That is of course until she starts casting magic.  After finding out what the party was doing, she decided to help them, since they were questing for an artifact that she blamed for the war that she had orginally died in.  With this, the party continues on towards dwarven lands, where the next clue is said to be hidden. 

     On the way to Dwarven lands, they are being pursued by an army of undead, after the same artifact.  Knowing that the party will never make it across the desert while being chased by the undead, Lucca volunteers to lead a desperate defense at a small village on the route.  Gathering about 20 volunteers, she promises to buy the party and refugees as much time as possible.  Using the terrain to their advantage, Lucca and the peasant militia held off the army for over an hour before being overwelmed.  But wait, that's not the end of her.  With her life in mortal danger, suddenly, Lucca dissappears, and is replaced by Orwig!  Finding himself in the middle of a battle, no friends in sight, the monk starts smashing undead left and right, gets to the stables, takes a horse, and rushes out of there.  He heads west, as the party had decided on their next destination before the turtle had gotten rid of him, and arrives in dwarven lands.  Exhausted from the ride, he passes out mere miles from the dwarven capital. 

     Now that the present danger had passed, Orwig changed Back into Lucca, as the trigger for the transformation turned out to be that Orwig was there to protect Lucca, and the surest way to protect someone is to remove them from existance when their lives are threatened.

     Anyone follow all of that?

Ha ha! Great story, Jorick, very entertaining.

Welcome to the forums, by the way!

So hear goes the most ridiculous death of a party to ever happen.

We needed a beholder eye for some kind of poison. We were all level 2 and wondering, how on earth do we get a beholder eye? Unfortunately the party was new to the game so we didn't think to do "Gather Information." So our natural solution was to go into the wilderness and put up a sign that says "Eye Doctor." So a beholder comes a long and we give him a free eye exam. The diagnosis is he has serious **ckedupvision-itis (that's what we really called it). Too bad the beholder rolled his sense motive. He proceeded to blast us with his eyebeams. The rogue in our party and me (sorcerer) ran away. I then tried to blast the beholder but accidentally hit my party members with it. And that's the story of how I annhilated my entire party. (I got away from the beholder.)

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Proud creator of the only stickied thread on these forums.

That, my friend, is awesome.  Quite possibly better then when I got one of my friends characters to eat his previous character for dinner....  But that's a story for another day.

I was the DM and i was escorting a Level 1 group of players ( who had foolishly jumped in an ogre lair ECL 9 ) they were being chased and they saw a ladder, so the fighter cut it down and threw it at the army of ogres, and it scored a critical so they cheered, but the ogres got REALLY mad and the ogre mage blasted them!

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(\ /) (\ /) (\ /)
(O.o) (O.o) (O.o)
(> <) (> <) (> <)

HAHA I HAVE AN EVIL ARMY OF BUNNYS!

I had a friend who said (we were fighting a necrophile in game) "I wouldn't be cought dead with a necrophile!"

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Proud creator of the only stickied thread on these forums.

heya. I wrote a short story a while back very similar to the Dndorks theme. As a writer, I'd been trying to find a place to get it published and been turned down time and again (though some editors really got a kick out of it) and I finally got it published in The Cynic (april fools day release of all dates). The other day I was clicking through some links through a writer friend's website and somehow stumbled onto Dndorks. I fell in love and read the entire archived comic (which distracted me from my current writing project for a couple days) and I've now added this site to my "list" (I regularly read several online comics, including Full Frontal Nerdity which is similarly themed to Dndorks, but without the continuity).

Anyhow, I thought I'd share my story since this is a story thread... but I don't want to post it up since it might not come through perfect in the formatting, so I will post a link. Also, I might have landed a gig writing a new column at the BetterFiction website; the column would be dedicated to the things that distract writers away from their projects, and Dndorks will be one of my first articles (providing the column opens) and then I can spread the distraction to others (enter evil Ethan Mwaa!)

so here's those links to The Epic Quest of Big Epicness
http://www.cynicmag.com/features2006.asp?articleid=2111 (this is the online published version)
http://www.freewebs.com/thekakosrealm/epicquest.pdf (this is a pdf version that you can download and save)

lemme know what you think... lookin forward to joinin the community (and love the new story arc--I'm a big fan of Arkham Horro and am mainly a horror/spec fic writer)

How a five year old helped to conquer a world:

I was playing in a Mecha game based loosely on the Romance of the Three Kingdoms. Our party was to attack this world that had a very large ground army and, could frankly, wipe the floor with us. None of us were sure what to do, so we asked the five-year-old (borrowing from the evil overlord list) what we should do and gave him a map. As a joke, I pretended to be the child and yelled "Cookie!" and mimed slamming a cookie on the map.
For some reason, everyone thought this was a good idea! So, we filled our ship's holds with batter and released it just before our invasion. the batter cooked on the way down, and took solid form just before crashing into the ground. It destroyed so much of the army and shocked the remainder that it was easy to take over.

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RIP Snaggler

Sick, silly, deranged, Mad magazine like, I loved it.  Reminded me of the 2nd to last group I was in.  Or maybe the 3rd to last group where a new player wanted to know what kind of spells he should put down for his Half Orc Fighter.  Apparently being 7' tall and 430 pounds wasn't enough. 

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I might be grumpy but I am pretty, whatcha gonna do about it?

Hehe, imagine the look of disappointment on an Orc fighter's face when he finds out that the spell "Doom" only gives people a lousy penalty.

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RIP Snaggler

About 4 or 5 years ago we had an Orc fighter in the group named Doofus, the name was apt.  If you needed a large rock moved or a door kicked in you only had to aim him and it pretty much got done.  In real life he was the son of the woman who played an Elf Wizard and she was not a nice character.  She cast a spell on Doofus so that he was compelled to do whatever anybody told him to do.  She forgot she was even greedier than the rogues in the group and the supreme gatherer of treasure.  Being small and lazy she had given her bags of holding with all her treasure to Doofus.  At the near completion of the quest we were in a large carriage being taken to the Goblin King to recieve our reward for retrieving his crown from the games resident baddies.  Jokingly she told Doofus to give all of his possessions to the cheering crowds so Doofus did.  Possessing the bags of treasure he upended them onto the crowd who really liked him now.  Everybody in the game got a kick out of it except 1 person and the DM forbid her to do anything to him since it was her spell and her command and he did exactly wht he had been told.  I love it when justice is really done to a pain in the ass who takes the game way to seriously.  Sometimes even the Orc can win.

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I might be grumpy but I am pretty, whatcha gonna do about it?

We had a guy playing with us, Nathan, and Nathan was a few years younger than us when we played in high school.  Nathan's a great guy, but his inexperience showed at the time and he'd get certain ideas "fixed" in his head and have trouble changing his idea of how things worked.  Funny how we can argue about how we things we just "imagine"

Anyways, Nathan would always play the person that would "get" things done, but he'd always be taken advantage of by the rest of the group.  Kinda like Doofus maybe, the big strong character who doesn't know any better than to do what he is told. 

We were playing a sci-fi setting where the group travelled through space and landed on a planet.  As the group was about to head out of the ship we get into the following conversation.

Me: "As you step out..."

Nathan 'What? There isn't any air in space! I hold my breath"

Me "No, you know there is air, your ship's sensors told you so"

We proceeded to get into a bit of a discussion on whether there was air or not, finally I got tired of it.

Me: "Nathan, roll an endurance check"

Nathan "Why?"

Me "Because you're holding your breath, lets see how long you can hold it"

Nathan "Ok, makes sense. <rolls die> I fail"

Me "Ok, you get light headed and fall to the ground, you wake up moments later realizing that there is, indeed air, and that you're breathing heavily"

It was kind of funny, even funnier years later when they had a similar scene in Galaxy Quest.

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Richard M.
Grimfang
"Whisper"
Xaeraes

This is from a time when a friend of mine let me sit in on one of his sessions and watch the game.

His character (we'll call him Sam) was a female Changeling Rouge in the disguise of a male Orc, by the name of Kaz. It seemed like he was in the mood to pick on another player's (call him Cameron) character, which was a male Half-elf Monk called Bob. It started off with Kaz turning into Bob, in front of Bob. The transformation was a success, all except that Kaz's version of Bob had an unusally high-pitched voice. Guess what... Bob was flattered! "And Bob blushes, extremely flattered by the other."

So, as a joke, Kaz (as Bob) started winking playfully at Bob. What happened next had everyone except Cameron laughing. So says the DM, snickering, "Bob looks away shyly. Bob starts questioning his sexuality." Cameron was gaping widely, as Ethan (dndorks reference) did after the comic strip in which his psion/rouge/paladin got eaten by the red dragon all those years ago. The DM sat there, shaking his head, trying hard not to chuckle... as everyone else was giggling gleefully.

(Man, Galaxy Quest was a ridiculous movie! Lots of fun... Tim Allen and Alan Rickman played their parts well.)

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"Ye canna shove yer Granny aff a bus."