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Why cats suck

Published: 12/8/2003 by Color Guy Ry
From the perspective of a vacuum.
 

Jan 1, 1996

My therapist suggested that I keep a journal in order to track what’s been causing me so much grief lately. It’s kind of a moot point though; anyone that knows me or my situation is aware of what’s causing me grief, a cat by the name of Mr. Furry Face. For what seems like an eternity now this cat has been a plague upon my life. Understand, I’m a hard working vacuum, a Bissel 9500, we’re made for one purpose, sucking, and we’re good at what we do (which is probably the reason for our controversial and unfortunate nick name, the Taiwanese whore)and ever since this cat moved in I’ve been treated like a lowly Dirt Devil or something. Now vacuuming might seem boring or even tedious to some people but to a vacuum, suckin’ a floor is nirvana, and I don’t mean no wussy Buddhist nirvana either where everyone’s sittin’ around and everything’s blissful and happy, no, I mean you just hit your fifth vodka and the band’s finally playing that song you were waiting for, that kind of nirvana, which is important because vacuums don’t have a heaven to go to, so we have to live heaven on earth, which is fricken hard to fricken do when a fricken cat makes your fricken life a fricken h*ll… I’m fricken ranting to myself again. Stupid cat.

 

Jan 2, 1996

A new day, and guess what, had to clean up after that damned cat again. I swear, I don’t see how a 2 pound cat can shed 10 pounds of hair. Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that the floor isn’t supposed to be orange. It can’t possibly all be that one cat’s hair, I spend most of my time in the linen closet so I can’t tell, but I’m betting that little bastard brings over all his friends and have themselves a little carpet rubbing party JUST TO PISS ME OFF. Yeah, well, I can’t wait until they’re so friggin static charged that if they jumped too high they’d stick to the ceiling… I bet they’d make me vacuum the ceiling then though… Stupid cat.

 

Jan 11, 1996

A lot of people think cats are smart; they often have this misconception because of how quiet and recluse cats are. You’d think people would take an example from their own race; what do the quiet, reserved type humans do? They’re the kinds of people who sit in their basement and carve “blud” into their knuckles with a carrot peeler while filming an anarchic video for their web site www.geocities.com/anarchy2004999. The only reason the cat is so quiet is because he doesn’t want the owners to realize he’s been urinating in their closet. Stupid cat.

 

Feb 12, 1996

It happened again, I got another clog. The owners should really “prep” the carpet with a rake before they start to vacuum. Do they realize that cats cough up hair balls because they don’t go down smoothly? No, but then again they don’t really notice that the cat drinks out of their coffee cups each morning either. It’s just… disgusting, having to suck up so much hair, and a lot of it doesn’t even go down, it just gets stuck in my bristles and clogs and slows me down. Then I spend the rest of the day coughing and gagging trying to get it unstuck, like that last bit of a peanut butter sandwich that gets stuck to the roof of your mouth and you have to spend half an hour going “Uuuullllhhh… uuuuuulllhhhh…” trying to lick it off. Stupid cat.   

 

March 25, 1996

I’ve narrowed down the reasons as to why I hate my life, I compiled them in a small list, the list proceeds like so:

1 .The cat

2. The cat

3. The cat

4. The cat

5. Jean Chretien

I’ll keep this list updated.

 

July 4, 1996

Today was a good day, the owners brought the cat outside with them as they lit fire works in the front drive. Apparently, the cat thought that one of those firecrackers that spins on the ground and changes color was either a “play thing” or “edible” because it tried to touch it… and well… he’s not orange anymore. Well, not REAL orange, more that orange you see on the ground after you’ve had too many bourbons. It’s fun to watch him try and walk now that his skin is burnt and trying to heal, it looks like he’s walking on hot coals or something. Guess I won’t have to worry about the fur problem for a little while, HAHAHAHA, stupid cat.

 

July 6, 1996

Well THAT didn’t take long, looks like the vacation’s over. Now the cat, instead of shedding fur, is shedding skin, YUCK. It’s like the floor of a skinless chicken factory around here, though that analogy might be a bit hard to follow. It’s not hard to suck up, but it’s disgusting to feel as it’s being sucked through my throat, especially when the cat stares at me while I’m vacuuming with his cold beady eyes, as if to say “Yeah, eat it, eat my skin! It’s high in oil but low in cholesterol, no carbs so it’s great for those on the Atkins diet!”…makes me sick. Stupid cat.

 

September 4, 1996

There’s one joy that has not changed during my history as a vacuum and that’s scaring the cat with my headlight. A lot of people question why there’s a light on the front of vacuums like “What, is it in case you get lost in the forest?” or “Is it so you can read while you vacuum?” but the real answer, yes the real answer is so that you can scare the cat. Now, the owners don’t intentionally steer me towards the cat, but put enough pressure on certain wheels and I can get me goin’ exactly where I want to. And the cat NEVER sees it coming, it always just stares nothing with a blank expression, probably thinking “Hmmm, I think I’ll shed on the carpet some mo*VVVVVRRRRR* MEEEEOOOWOWWWW” oooh man I love seeing the look on his face when I bum rush him. Heheh, he doesn’t realize  it’s just a headlight. I think the owners even like it a little, it’s one of those guilty pleasures in life, like listening to “Baby Got Back” when you’re alone. And despite how many times it’s happened. the next time I’m out vacuuming, the cat won’t see it coming. Stupid cat.

 

October 16, 1996

I HATE THAT CAT!!! You know what he did this time? Well apparently, after hacking up a hair ball, he wanted it BACK. So what did he do? He slashed open my bag! Which not only hurt like a son of a cat, but it also spilled all its contents (and I thought it was rough comin’ in) which meant, after a bagiotomy, I had to vacuum up all that cat hair up AGAIN! I hate that stupid stupid cat. One day, when the owners aren’t looking I’m just gonna’… I don’t know, something drastic. After I’m through they’ll probably have to change his name to “Mr. Has to live with a colostomy bag” or “Mr. Eats through a straw” or even “Mr. Can’t breath because the vacuum sucked out all its internal organs”. I swear, one day the owners are going to come home to a new brand of chicken in the fridge, and I’ll be long gone, sipping margaritas with some sweet senoritas in Mexico. Stupid cat.

 

December 26, 1996

Today’s entry is actually not cat related, but this is another thing to make my life the complete h*ll that whoever created this sick universe wanted it to be. Christmas is a holiday that should be renamed “regain your appreciation for the cat” day. That holiday spreads more ribbon and string than the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. And that stuff is loooong, so not only does it wrap around my rotating brush twenty million gerbillion times, but it also stretches the full length of my throat while also clogging up every gear I’ve got. And the owners, they’re like “I wonder why the vacuum’s not working” and it’s like “Perhaps it’s because you just vacuumed the equivalent of a small Ethiopian village, you ignorant wankers”. So I had to get a full interior replacement, and I think they put something in wrong because every time I start sucking it sounds like I’m playing the bag pipes… I hate bagpipes. Stupid cat.

 

January 3, 1997

 It’s been a year now since I started writing these things and I’ve gotta’ say, I don’t feel any better. If anything, these journal entries have done nothing but preserve my terrible memories in writing, so I can go back and read them whenever I want. Not that I need to read them to remember the fact that the carpet is continuously covered in fur, that I’ll be vacuuming it all up in an hour and that I’ll be coughing it up in a week. I don’t need to be reminded the cat and his friends are having a rub fest in the next room because THEY’RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW! You sons of bitches! Stupid cat.

 

March 15, 1997

Well, the owners found out what the cat was doing in their closet, and guess who had to clean it up?!  Problem is, I’m a DRY cleaning vacuum, I’m not equipped to suck up liquids! I guess that’s why I make an even more annoying noise now isn’t it? Soon I’ll start sounding like Fran Drescher, THEN will you be happy? Stupid cat.

 

May 27, 1997

THAT’S IT! THAT’S F****N IT! I QUIT! THOSE STUPID PEOPLE GOT A LITTLE ANNOYED AT MY CURRENT VACUUMING PROBLEMS AND SO THEY BOUGHT A NEW F***ING VACUUM! OH, BUT THEY KEPT ME, AND WHY? SO THEY’D HAVE A VACUUM TO DO THE MORE INANE CLEANING LIKE… VACUUMING UP AFTER THAT F***ING CAT!!! AFTER YEARS OF LOYAL SERVICE THIS IS HOW I’M REPAID? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! AND I HATE THAT CAT! STUPID CAT.

 

May 30, 1997

Ooooh, everyone marvel at the new vacuum. Self propelled, additional hoses comin’ out the ying yang, additional spray hose for carpet stains, whoop dee FRICKEN doo! Where’s its head light? What good are you if you don’t have a head light? How are you supposed to scare the cat without a headlight?! I remember when I was as cocky as that new vacuum, always braggin’ about how much it picks up and how it utilizes “bagless” technology. Wait ‘til I’m gone and he has to suck up cat hair, THEN we’ll see the power of his “bagless” technology, what happens when hair mixes with water? It clumps, it clumps A LOT, and once you’ve got a JUNGLE in your depository bin you’re gonna’ be more constipated than Abe Bagoda after 23 pizzas. Again I’ve been distracted from my hatred of the cat… Stupid cat.

 

August 29, 1997

That’s it… the cat slashed my bag again, that’s the final straw. I’m doing it, I’m doing it tonight. If I fail… I don’t wanna’ think about failing.

 

 

December 3, 2004

On August 29th, 1997, the house of Martha and William Owner was thought to have been vandalized, until today. While cleaning, Mrs. Owner discovered a hidden room behind the linen closet, a room was not found on the blue prints of their house. The room contained two things, this journal, and a bag containing animal bones. Despite the fact that there was no fur to be found inside, the bones are most obviously of a feline skeleton. After some research we discovered that the vacuum, after dispatching the cat managed to suck its way to Mexico, where it lived for four years until July 2001 where it died in a knife fight to Pedro “wild turkey” Rodriguez. After 7 years this case can finally be closed, the case of the hairless… cat. Stupid cat.

 

[CASE CLOSED]

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